The Weeping Rose

Colorful Heaven. Dec 17, 2009

2011-04-06T19:45:00.000-07:00

life splashes across the page, and the paint inspires wonder
bright colors fill the air, dancing before my eyes
and i bubble over in giggles and laughter,
wiping at the wrinkles of joy in the corners of my eyes.

the world spinning in flashes of pictures
of momentary black and white
but cinematic rainbows fill the life lived full of freedom

skipping over your fields in heaven
i wonder where the world is and why can it not see the beauty in your grace.
your love surrounds me as a twister of greatness, secrets, tenderness, adventure, and romance
dancing i leap and twirl
the hair filled with sweet honey, bouncing
holding the ends of my painted dress in my small hands
filled with an abounding desire to run in every direction
as fast as i can
like when i was six, for the simple love of running in open space

banners of raindrops twinkle in the sunlight
speckling the ground in prisms.
bending over the ground
the hundreds of rainbows pull a smile across my lips.
i pick one up and put it in my pocket
then skip along the path forming before my little feet
for time is a continuum of the path before us.

my hand at my forehead and the sun on my face
there is a tree in the distance
upon a grassy knoll
calling my childhood and my destiny.
smiling im ready.
im so ready
the time is now
but when it comes
when im there
standing atop that hill
im ready
im so ready
but the time is now

Working Title: Finite vs. Infinite. april 30, 2009

2011-04-06T19:44:00.000-07:00

Your rest is like a cloud of dew
…quiet like the soft mornings when the sun whispers its joy
the morning air, deep and heavy, but reflecting the brilliance of peace

You smile at me through the clouds
Winking out my doubt, as the light pierces into my mundane routine

Awakened, aroused, my mind is pulled to the depths of the infinite
Where flowers bloom exquisite and the joy of a child remains forever pure.

I gasp for breath—
you have stolen my mortal breath from me
as I inhale the marvel of greatness.

So glorious and majestic are the wonders beyond my control
That I shake in your arms—
Consumed by love

But my morality is weak
For my body cannot follow your foot steps in the sand
Your imprints would cause surely cause my destruction

Shaking, you release me,
Back to routine,
And away from your arms,
Where black and white, once again, is all I see.

The Rain

2008-10-25T02:08:00.000-07:00

It'd rained this morning.
Oh how I love the rain, and how it makes love to me. Its cool drops fill my mouth and caress my lips. Its many fingertips make me shiver with anticipation as they run across my skin. It dampens my hair as its passion overtakes me with a rumbling clap. The sincerity of its raw power leaves me naked, bare, and transparent with nothing but myself to offer. The strength of its glory pounds against the Earth, against me, restlessly, thunderously, until the strenuous crescendo breaks and I'm left alone standing beneath the dreary drizzling clouds.

it's been two years rewrite

2007-12-17T13:40:00.000-08:00

The slight breeze dances over the lawn of Rinna’s Boston home. The leaves flutters from the tree in her front yard to float down, down onto the green freshly cut grass. Her name is Erin although her nickname was Rinna, and her head rests on the cool glass of her slightly open upstairs window. The reflection stares back, her tired green eyes gazing back into her real ones. Rinna had always liked the uniqueness of the nickname her mom had given her; she’s always felt that it suited her nature.

She frequently finds herself sitting in front of this hallway window in the second story of her parents’ house thinking. She often times supposes that she should concentrate more on school, college, but she decided what’s the point? Even her economics major bores her and her restless mind. Input and output, as long as one knew the effects of the input the output was a given path of logic, nothing more. Her mind cannot help but wonder over memories, attempting to find answers and meaning, and clarity on the things that matter. The memories generating thought after thought, three at a time, a never-ending flow of consciousness in her mind. She generally likes them though—they keep her busy. It’s a relaxing pass time she both enjoys and sometimes hates, of course, depending on the subject and her mood.

She clears her throat.

The hall is silent, no music streaming out of her room that’s unusual for me, she thought. She can hear her mother vacuuming downstairs. Stretching out, she releases her knees from the fetal position, and moves to lean her head against the wall. She reaches for her journal to continue the thoughts going in and out. It being the fourteenth journal in the last six months and the pages are beginning to grow sparse. The breeze coming in through the gap in the cracked window suddenly prickles her skin with goose bumps, becoming too strong and chilly for her naked arms to handle. Grabbing the frame of the window near the latch, Rinna pulls the window down until she hears it slide into place closed. Waiting a moment for the goose bumps to go away she rubs her arms, chilly for a Boston September evening. She then opens the book on her lap to the next new page, pauses, then drops her pen into the crease of the book and looks out her beloved window.

So it’s September seventeenth.

I spent all of September fifteenth thinking. I didn’t tell anyone about it. Just me, only me, knew. I know that you don’t think about it. You don’t think anything now. You may not know it, but you don’t know how to think anymore.

The memory of September fifteenth abruptly interrupts her stream of consciousness. The fair was alight that night carrying a luminescent glow that thrilled the onlooker and the participator both. The Ferris-wheel being the focal point of the summer carnival; the bright yellow lights forming its shape in the darkness, drawing the eyes of the passersby away from the cotton candy stands, ice cream venders, and carnival games. Rinna remembered the skyline that night from the Ferris-wheel as it slowed to a stop at the very peak. Leaned back in Daren’s arms she was relaxed, content in the moment of silence. She sighed.

“What’re you thinking?”

“—I love you.”

“What?” she sat up abruptly and turned to look into the deep pool of his blue eyes. “What did you say?”

He stammered the repetition of his response, “I… I love you.”

Two years. That was two years ago.

Back to reality, she watches the cars pass through a stop sign through her window as the gloomy sky darkens with dusk approaching. They stop for the law and the continued stream of pedestrians. The break lights and occasional blinkers are overly illuminated by the growing darkness. They mesmerize her eyes. She continues to think while watching each of them approach the stop sign—one after another—then move on, back to their own separate lives.

She takes a deep breath, and lets it out.

You’re just a ripple now. That love, once great, is lost, to whose misfortune is unknown, though I laugh still. I now find it comical the things you said. It’s not an angry, hurt, mocking laughter, just a cynical one.

Daren brushed the back of his finger tips along Rinna’s arm watching the goose bumps appear. She watched those finger tips from hand to shoulder and back, her mind focused on the soothing feeling of his touch.

“Erin Nicole Louren, I love you.”

A little startled by the use of her full name she looked into his blue eyes and he into her green and replied with a smile, “I love you too.” She paused for a moment, “why the use of my full name?”

“I just wanted to say it, to hear it. It’s so beautiful. I know this sounds stupid but it’s really quite the poetic match to your beauty.” He pulled her forward and gently placed his lips on hers. The palm of his hand rested on her slender neck, while his thumb tenderly brushed her cheek.

I had believed them once. And since I knew you so closely a tiny part of me still believes them… but I know that it is foolish. It is a foolish little girl who now only uses your memory as a platform for greater thought about love, idealism, purpose, promises, hope, friendship, and persons.

She sighs, still watching the cars.

What is the loss of love? I struggle with this idea daily. How can one lose love? There are those who hope to never lose it, and those who pray they do. I haven’t decided which side I’m on, but that’s because I’m indecisive.

Rinna screamed out her frustration at the ceiling. Grabbing the stuffed bear he won on that night at the county fair she threw it across the room at the wall. She watched it make contact with dissatisfaction as it bounced back and landed softly on the floor. She snatched her favorite picture of the two of them off her desk and took her momentary satisfaction at the sound of the glass breaking into pieces in its colorful frame. She looked down at the photo through the broken pieces of glass; it was taken on her eighteenth birthday at their favorite restaurant which they’d always made a point to regularly attend. Every single server was in the picture singing her happy birthday, their favorite waiter was setting down the sparkling fiery cake and even the owner Vinny had made a point to join the serenade. Her favorite thing about the picture was that Daren had perfectly timed his kiss on the cheek for the photo so her face was lit up with such surprise and joy that another picture had yet to match it. In the scene that played out after the picture, her joy and surprise continued to grow as he had gotten down on one knee and adolescently asked for her eighteen year old hand in marriage. Like a naïve fool it was the happiest day of her life.

Her cheeks began to burn and she could see her vision blur as she fell to her knees hunched over with her face in her hands. She’d never wept harder in her entire life as her heart collapsed and submitted to being torn in two.

He’d cheated. He’d not only cheated, but had a girlfriend. He’d had a girlfriend for a month and a half before he broke up with her, getting together a week after she’d spent the money to fly up and visit him for a weekend. So much for that ring that was involved.

Isn’t love supposed to be this great idealistic achievement, the one pure thing in this world? Ha! Purity. I was pure once. I bared my innocence for you once. I loved you once. You were greatness to me once.

You crushed me… more than once.

An image flashed across Rinna’s vision of his lips on the neck of his curly-haired brunette of six months. Those lips creeping up her neck to whisper her full name in her ear.

A thought like that would have killed me six months ago—funny that it did. I still find it interesting that people really can survive, carry on, with the scar of a heart sown back together after being ripped in two... in the course of one night.

She pauses… and shrugs.

It was going to happen one day I guess.

I miss your cynicism, surprising I know. She looks down momentarily and chuckles it’s because I have come to develop my own sense of cynicism—thanks to you—in regards to most of life. I’ve decided that cynicism can be appropriate in knowing life, but hoping for the best is crucial. How else are we supposed to get out alive? But then again, no body does, ironically enough. I feel as though I would enjoy your humor more, and we would have to change less in order to… be happy. But you’ve moved on. I never thought you would—or could—but you did, hence the laughter. I once said that the only thing I feared was losing you, you replied, “it’s funny how many things we have in common,” thanks liar. It still blows my mind. But now I realize what love is to you. I realize what that kind of relationship is to you.

She shakes her head.

She remembers every moment where she gave up her wishes. She gave up her friends, her family, her body; she gave up her lips—her precious, never before touched lips because he wanted them. She gave up her loud energetic joyous self because it made him uncomfortable. She stopped skipping, she stopped climbing trees, she stopped charming strangers with her smile, and she stopped dancing to silence. She was embarrassed by the family that she adored because they were too loud and sarcastic for him. They called him ‘The Neutralizer’ because he quieted her, made her meek…too quiet, too meek.

I sympathize really. I sympathize with her now because I’m not sure she really knows the parts of you that I now realize are there. They are subtle, they are very difficult to catch—it took me two years to catch them, and that’s with over-detailed thought, reading, connecting the dots, and understanding. Although I think she might be better suited for you.

She glances down at her hands—her open palms—and presses them together, cracking her knuckles, then abruptly looks back out the window. Her eyes seem to search for something in the now dark sky. She sighs again, and her eyes settle back on the cars. The traffic has begun to subside. A tear begins to run down her unflinching cheek, the first tear in almost two months. It’s ignored.

Every day I come up with another reason against you. The list has now become long. The most recent addition is manipulative:

“I know you’re probably surprised and wondering what I’m doing here,” the curly-haired brunette stated.

“The thought did cross my mind, yes,” she replied leaned on the inside of her door frame.

“He called me on Tuesday and told me to stop talking to you, and I would like to know why.”

“Are you sure you want to open that can of worms?”

“I just want someone to be honest with me.”

Honesty was what she wanted and honesty was what she got. If Rinna was something it was honest. The thing she detested above all else was a liar so she did the best to keep from being a hypocrite.

The curly-haired brunette listened intently as Rinna explained that Daren had called her to meet up and give back her stuff. All she had wanted was to be his friend because she had invested so much time into their relationship that she didn’t want to throw away everything that they had together. He had been her best friend at one point in time. Rinna told the curly-haired brunette that they had met up last week and actually gotten along pretty well. When he went to pick up her box to give it to her he looked at her with his deep pools of blue eyes and told her that he still loved her. That he loved her even more since he had now come to understand who she was as they had grown apart. He told her everything she’d ever wanted to hear from him. Rinna’s heart had skipped more than just a beat or two but realized that she was done with him. That it was time to move on and that that scar was too deep and wouldn’t survive another of even the smallest little tear. She told him no. Daren tried to push her against the wall at an attempt for a cornering romantic kiss, but that Rinna had shoved him off, he had dared to trap her and smacked him. Smacked him for cheating on her in the first place, trying to cheat on his new girlfriend, thinking she would lower herself to follow his selfish path, and trying to manipulate his way into destroying the hearts of two girls.

Although you probably get that manipulation from the fact that you haven’t really made many deep real relationships/friendships. Ok so there were those couple of other girls but their feelings always got in the way. And your high school friends? I told you to hang out with them, I told you to call them, to see them but you dismissed my comments. And now where are they? You dropped them because you look to a woman to fulfill everything in your life. You expect her to give you, out of one relationship, what you’re supposed to get out of dozens of relationships: family, friends, and acquaintances. No one can do everything.

And now all you can do is try to pull everything you can out of your romantic life, wringing it dry, and exhaust her. You want all purpose to come from her but haven’t you ever thought of independence and creating your own purpose? What happened to partnership? Now you’re ruined. You don’t know how to have just a true friendship anymore. And I feel as though I need to keep myself tapped into you because otherwise… otherwise history will perhaps repeat itself. And that’s never a good thing.

She looks away from the window and down at the empty page in her journal and the pen sitting in the crease. She sighs for the last time and closes the journal. She swings her legs down from the padded bench beneath the window and looks out the invisible glass for one more glance at the now empty stop sign. A car appears and stops. Knowing the ritual Rinna turns away and walks back to her room thinking her thoughts are her greatest distraction from the things that matter such as the econ homework beckoning to be done.

music

2007-06-09T00:35:00.000-07:00

"boys will be boys baby!
boys will be boys!
boys will be boys baby!
boys will be BOOOOOOOYS!!

gimmegimmegimme malice gimme aa-aatention
gimmegimmegimme malice baby gimme a break!
when i say shotgun you say wedding: shotgun! wedding! shotgun! weddiiiiiinnggg!

boys will be boys, hiding in estrogen and boys will be boooooys!
boys will be boys, hiding in estrogen and wearing aubergine dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeams!"

as the band concluded one another of their great hits, the teens and "adults" in their early twenties when wild, crazed by the passion with which they sung their ballad and the truth behind their lyrics. People jumped, yelled, flailed their arms, looked towards the sky, raised their hands in the 'rock on sign' in fealty to the band, cheering, screaming, begging, crying for more.
--and yet she stood quiet. she didnt move. she wasnt even quite staring at anything. she expected for that moment, for those last stanzas, that they would yell the truth she felt. that she would have yelled it to the world as she had before, but with more passion for now there was more reason...far more reason. she expected to be moved, she expected to feel refreshed and invigorated as she had before by singing those lyrics.
but the reality was, that it didnt matter. it was just a song, and no song could capture all she felt. the song had died. she was sad for it too. she had hoped, expected, to feel almost empowered. but it did nothing.

she looked up and to her left and right at the people pushing her, their attention on the stage--and she felt nothing...nothing.

how was the concert sweetie?" asked her mother.
"arent you home a little early?"
im home a lot early actually" she stated as she tossed her keys on the counter top and started to take off her jacket.
laying it on the stool underneath the counter top she walked over to get a glass of water
"did you have fun?"
"the band was good, it just didnt fulfill my...expectations. i guess i just wasnt in the mood tonight, unfortunately" she added.
"well thats too bad. im sorry.
do you have work tomorrow?"
"yeah, 5-10 as usual."
"ok, well im goin to bed. its passed my bed time. i love you sweetie," she said as she hugged her daughter.
the girl smiled as she hugged back, "i love you too mom."

after her mom left the room she took a deep breath and followed it by downing her glass of water. now what?

note: more to come later

part II

2007-05-29T02:29:00.000-07:00

so i cant sleep again.

Rinna sighs and rolls over to her other side, for what would seem like the hundreth time.

i just dont really know what to do. i dont want to lose my last chance. i dont want to miss out on something and wonder later in life, "what if..." thats my one real goal. i want to be able to say, there were no "what ifs..." i came, i saw, and i did. "i am willing to do anything..." those words ring in my ears. a last chance. a singular last chance. what the hell am i supposed to do? i dont really wanna do this now. i dont really feel this way now. i dont really want to feel this way now. im not in the right place to do this now. but here i stand, i am given these circumstances with very inconvenient timing and so im just sitting here. my head really doesnt know what to think

taking her frustration out on her covers she rolls back other to her other side for the hundred and first time, pushing the covers down to her waist and her hands under her pillow. she tried to close her eyes and relax them... *pause* getting no where. she opens her eyes again and glares at the room lit by the light coming in through her window.

it just frustrates me because youre the one thats all in love and emotional, but wait, you have a girlfriend, because that makes life easier. all you do is want. ok ok, you give, but you give so that you want. or you give in hopes of getting what you want. but this needs to be about what i want. can you make me happy. this is the question: can you make me happy?

its been two years

2007-03-26T19:50:00.000-07:00

memories float in and out of girls mind. her name was Erin although her nickname was Rinna. she always liked the uniqueness of the nickname--she felt that it suited her individualist nature. she frequently found herself sitting in front of her hallway window in the second story of her parents' house thinking. she often times supposed that she should have concentrated more on school, college, but she decided what was the point. even her economics major had come to bore her and her restless mind. input and output, as long as one knew the effects of the input the output was a given path of logic, nothing more. the memories now generating thought after thought, three at a time, they were never ending in her mind. she enjoyed them though. it was a relaxing pass time she both enjoyed and hated, depending on the subject and her mood. the hall was silent, no music played, she could hear her mother vacuuming downstairs. she stretched out, releasing her knees from her arms' captivity, and leaned her head against the wall. she reaches for her journal to continue the thoughts going in and out. it was the 14th journal in the last six months and the pages were beginning to grow sparce already reaching the end of it. she opens the book on her lap to the next new page, pauses, then sets her pen on the book and looks out her beloved window.

so its march 26th... i spent all of march 24th thinking. i didnt tell anyone about it except one and thats a given. just me, only me, knew. i know that you didnt think about it. you dont think about anything now. you may not know it, but you dont.

she watches the cars pass through a stop sign through her window as the gloomy sky darkens with dusk approaching. they stop for the law and the continued stream of pedestrians. the break lights and occasional blinkers are overly illuminated by the growing darkness. they mesmerize her eyes. she continues to talk while watching each of them approach the stop sigh--one after another--then move on.

youre just a ripple now. that love, once great, is lost, to whose misfortune is unknown, though i laugh still. i now find it comical the things you said. its not an angry, hurt, mocking laughter, just a cynical one. i had believed them once. and since i knew you so closely a tiny part of me still believes them... but i know that it is foolish. it is a foolish little girl who now only uses your memory as a platform for greater thought about love, idealism, purpose, promises, hope, friendship, and persons.

she sighs, still watching the cars.

what is the loss of love? i struggle with this idea daily. how can one lose love? there are those who hope to never lose it, and those who pray they do. i havent decided which side im on...but thats because im indecisive. isnt love supposed to be this great idealistic achievement, the one pure thing in this world? ha! purity. i was pure once. i bared my innocence for you once. i loved you once. you were greatness to me once...you crushed me... more than once

she pauses... and shrugs.
it was going to happen one day i guess

i miss your cynicism, surprising i know. she chuckles its because i have come to develop my own sense of cynicism--thanks to you--in regards to most of life. ive decided that cynicism can be appropriate in knowing life, but hoping for the best is crucial. how else are we supposed to get out alive. but then again, no body does, ironically enough. i feel as though i would enjoy your humor more, and we would have to change less in order to... be happy. but youve moved on. i never thought you would--or could--but you did, hence the laughter. i once said that the only thing i feared was losing you, you replied, "its funny how many things we have in common," thanks liar. it still blows my mind. but now i realize what love is to you. i realize what that kind of relationship is to you.
shakes head
i sympathize really. i sympathize with her now because im not sure she really knows the parts of you that i now realize are there. they are subtle, they are very difficult to catch--it took me two years to catch them, and thats with over-detailed thought, reading, connecting the dots, and understanding. although i think she might be better suited for you.

she glances down at her hands--her open palms--and presses them together, cracking her fingers, then abruptly looks back out the window. her eyes seem to search for something in the now dark sky. she sighs again, and her eyes settle back on the cars. the traffic has begun to subside. a tear begins to run down her unflinching cheek. the first tear in almost two months. its ignored.

every day i come up with another reason against you. the list has now become long. the most recent addition is manipulative: "to manipulate: 1) to manage or influence skillfully, especially in an unfair manner." though you probably get that from the fact that you havent really made many deep real relationships/friendships. yes there were those couple of others, but with those someone's feelings always got in the way. so you dont know how to have just a true friendship anymore. and i feel as though i need to keep myself tapped in to you because otherwise... otherwise history will perhaps repeat itself. and thats never a good thing.

she looks away from the window and down at her empty journal and the pen sitting in the crease. she sighs and closes the journal. she swings her legs down from the padded bench and looks out the window for one more glance at the now empty stop sign. a car appears and stops, knowing the ritual Erin turns away and walks back to her room thinking her thoughts are her greatest distraction from the things that matter such as the econ homework beckoning to be done.

just something to pass the time...

2006-05-07T20:31:00.000-07:00

she whispered something in her girlfriend's ear--they both snickered with their hands over their mouths, as if they were trying to go unnoticed when the game was to make sure everyone did notice, wanting to know the secret. the whisperer's name was heather, a pretty girl with blonde hair, blue eyes, legs up to here, and skirts the length of a pencil. her friend, tiffany, a brunette with notoriously attractive brown eyes and a walk that makes boys falter. me? me you ask. well, i sit in the corner, watching others. im just a plain beauty really; i have an athletically straight figure, soft smokey brown hair, green eyes of no particular significance because they're hidden behind glasses, my being too lazy to fuss with contacts. im not particularly delicate or feminine, i have no mysterious glint in my eyes, im not one of those girls with a master's degree in being playfully sexy as heather and tiffany do. people barely notice my existence half the time. i watch the two girls giggle in unison, flirting with guys across the room who seem to find humor in looks and glances. "judgers" my sister's friend called them once, jokingly, but it's true. they live to judge, its what they find momentarily amusing. their pride is their biggest weakness. most find that surprising but it is truth. why else do they whip out mirrors every 15 minutes to scan their hair and face? they're so insecure about themselves that they are left to judge others and gossip about the appalling lives of others. i notice the way tiffany flicks her long hair over her shoulder and then rests her chin upon her hand, leaning in to further the confidentiality of the secret. their voices become even lower now as they glance in my direction. it hurts a little, to have people talk like that, especially when they make it so obvious, making sure that you know they're discussing something unpleasant about you. i sigh thinking about how lowly their life is that they must find entertainment in something like this. i almost chuckle.

2006-05-06T18:41:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think, what to feel, what to sing, what to hope... I have changed so much... Could you still love me? Can you still be happy with me? I am different, I don't think I am the same person you fell in love with. My thoughts and dreams have changed... I have gone from knowing to... to... I don't know what. I used to think I knew who I am/was, but now everything is different. I can't help but think...thinkthinkthink, all the time, every second, deeper, questioning, wondering, deeperdeeper: what do you want? What have I done? Why can't I just leave it all alone and just live? Why do I have to think too far into things, why do I have to find a reason for everything? Sometimes things are just done or decided for no reason at all, just because they are or just because something is felt. I now over obsess.

I can't believe you're not sick of me. I can't believe that you love the person that I am now as much as you loved the person that I once was. I had always hoped that I wouldn't change in the ways that I have. I had always thought that I could avoid it, but it is encountered too much. And you have rubbed off on me. I haven't decided whether or not I like it, whether or not the traits are my own, or whether they are just your traits that I have adopted because they're yours. Whether they are traits that I have adopted because they are apart of me or what I will be morphing into.

Sometimes I think it just might be better if I ended it, or if you ended it. That you would eventually find someone more compatible, more the person you're looking for. If you are looking for the person I once was, that has now mostly become a mask, a shell, but that seems to be what you have always been attracted to (I don't know, it may come back once I figure this out). I'm not sure if I can really make you happy, and I'm starting to wonder if you're thinking the same thing deep down and trying to ignore it, bury it, or persuade me into what you want.

I have tried to make you happy with who I am. I know that I do make you happy, but do I make you happy with who I am? Do you enjoy the person I am/have become... because that has not been so obvious, especially of recent.

Of late you seem to be focusing more on our differences than who we are. You seem to focus on beginnings more than endings. You seem to have opinions about things that you know nothing about, and it confuses me when you're so passionate because I feel like I should be sharing these opinions...

what...

A suggestion and a critique all at once:

2006-05-06T15:49:00.000-07:00

Read Channel16's Charming Friends, truth of young society explained in a gatsby-esque style of revealing truth beneath a culture/society's traditional and habitual practices of entertainment.

and sometimes...

2006-04-09T19:26:00.000-07:00

And sometimes people cause fights just to cause fights. And sometimes people try to be manipulative because they dont have anything else better to do. And sometimes people have the need to feel better about themselves so they quickly see, focus, and voice the negative aspects of things without noticing, confirming, and praising the good aspects of things. And sometimes people act like their way is the only way. And sometimes people complain about things just to get attention. And somtimes people cuss because everyone else does. And sometimes people shrug off the big mistakes of others because they dont want them to feel bad or to seem like a mean person. And sometimes people are too quick to judge and act too firmly on that judgment. And sometimes we assume and generalize. And sometimes people are offended too easily when few really mean to offend. And sometimes we all do selfish things and sometimes we could really focus less on ourselves and the fact that the world revolves around us.

Icarus

2006-02-22T11:34:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish I could remember how to dance,
how to laugh again, a full body-soul laugh like I used to.

The world used to spin like a top
and I used to fly on the wind.
Few could soar as high as I could;
but the heat, the intensity, melted my wings away

My feet now know the ground
and know about the gravity and those
laws that govern the world, keeping me on
the earth

My mind is puzzled,
it wonders if it was just a dream...
but then again I've never been very good with dreams.

Seeping Breath

2005-11-29T13:28:00.000-08:00

Breathe, breathe
your breath of fire into my chest.
It is bared for you—
innocence bared for you—
You soak my body
seeping through my skin

I am with you
(more than you are with me)
that piece of me, you took
now burns within your heart

—You kissed me once, I turned and walked,
neither of us looked back
“Already I’m so lonesome I could die…”
for your return, we wait.

I never sleep—you never sleep—
for we wait

Until the passion of our breath is to reunite.
We wait.
We wait.

my one true fear

2005-11-05T19:14:00.000-08:00

You're the one thing I don't want to lose in this world. The one and only thing. Life is so beautiful and it is difficult to live it without you each and every day. I wish i could keep you safe; lock you away forever in my arms. I wish that i could know you will always love me, and that I'll always love you. I wish I knew what the future held for us. But I don't. And I can't. I only truely fear one thing...and it's losing you.

I Remember that Scene

2005-10-30T21:18:00.000-08:00

When the silence is too hard to break,
I don't know how to escape,
I submit my breath to time and pray,
Holding out for my love's air someday,

Though the date is near and soon,
I feel it not enough for me or you,
Though for those days we may not cry,
I fear to death to again say goodbye.

Autumn is the same sad song,
Winter and Spring are just as long,
There are a thousand reasons to cry,
But, please, not a single one to die.

Do not fear as I do,
I want to be your pride and courage -
Through and through,
And though the future seems far away,
And my heart beats heavy through the pain,
And though it seems no one may see or care,
I promise to love you everywhere.

I'm not perfect, but I am for you,
I'm not whole, but I am with you,
I'm not alone because of you,
I'm not sorry because of you,
You are my reason,
My hopes and my dreams,
I only love,
I promise that my love will forever be,

I'll tell you in Spanish because you love it too,
I would do anything you asked me to,
**"Te busco en la sombra de la noche,
Entrando de repente a la oscuridad de mi coche,
Para tratar de escapar de este lugar,
Para que algún día desde cerca, te podría amar,
No temo el amor, ni desde cerca ni de lejos,
A veces imagino tu imagen en mi espejo,
Te sostengo en mi corazón,
Estoy a tu lado mi amor,
Y cuando dudas todo en tu vida,
Cuando piensas que no puedas,
Cuando la vida te falta,
Recuerde el chico que de cerca te ama
Recuerde la fuerza que envío de California"

I'd tell it to you any which way,
In movie tickets, in pictures, and in the songs I sing,
I won't lie, I loved you yesterday,
When you were crying my soul took to the streets,
It left my body and rushed to the scene,
It carried out the strecher and called 911,
My soul went to touch you and give you a hug,
It loved you then as it does now,
Swiftly and smoothly and how,
My soul raced to calm you to bed,
It cried and it loved nonetheless,
It held you as your cries chilled the night,
It took away the monsters and left on the light,
It sang to you between the sobs,
It gave you the right dosage of love,
It gave all it had,
I remember that scene, it still makes me sad.

Maybe this isn't enough,
But I plead that this, Maddy, is love,
Don't worry that I said I loved you yesterday,
I hope it didn't worry you, my words slip as they may,
You should always know I love you,
Today, tomorrow, and in a year too,
I love you forever and I'll hold to that,
If you want more, I'll try to as much as I can,
k2hola:
Maddy I love you, you're perfect for me,
I have no complaints as you can see,
You're pretty, you're beautiful, you're also smart,
You're compassionate, passionate, and carry a big heart,
You're all that I need, You're all that I want,
You're love's incarnation, You're all I got,

Pass this around to your trusted friends,
All this long poem from beginning to end,
Please, I ask, share this one,
I want them to realize what it is to love,
I want to share this with the entire world,
But our love is ours, I know, my perfect girl.

** i look for you in the shadow of night
entering my car randomly to the darkness of my car
to try to escape from this place
so that someday i can love you from up-close
I'm not scared of love, neither from up close nor faraway
Sometimes i imagine your image in my mirror
I hold you in my heart
I'm at your side my love
And when you doubt everything in your life,
When you think you can't
When life falters (or fails),
Remember the boy that from up close loves you
Remember the force (force or strength) that I mail (or send) to you from California

written by Kevin Verbael for Maddy

k2hola: my phone died today and she was crying
lucky3girl3: why?
k2hola: that we werent together
lucky3girl3: just poured out like she couldnt take it anymore?
k2hola: yes for about 20 minutes, not hopelessly crying like i sometimes do but just pouring nonetheless
k2hola: she didnt lose hope
lucky3girl3: i didnt say that
lucky3girl3: just sometimes it hurts more than at other times
lucky3girl3: sometimes u can take it, sometimes its a little harder to bear
k2hola: we all understand on this one i think
lucky3girl3: yeah
k2hola: it hurts
k2hola: and sometimes it rains and sometimes it pours
lucky3girl3: exactly
lucky3girl3: it always hurts, but sometimes its almost ignorable, but others...
lucky3girl3: well
lucky3girl3: its like the poem

part of one of my essays

2005-10-20T21:14:00.000-07:00

"[society] has made happiness much more complicated than it needs to be. Happiness can be found anywhere in everything. It is a search throughout our entire lives, all we need to do to find it and live a life of happiness. Be a person who laughs at the small things in life, someone who can smile because it is a sunny day, who can enjoy the silence of a walk in a park and the quieting of one's own soul. Happiness can be as simple as a rose or as complicated as love. Happiness does not have to be sitting at the top of the social pyramid; it can be as simplistic as looking at the sapphire sky."

"Autumn Spring"

2005-10-18T23:37:00.000-07:00

Something about someone so small
playing the heart and soul of "Autumn Spring".
Hands barely strong enough (large enough)
to play the keys.
Innocense at its finest
glory at its finest.

Leaves slowly float...
float, float...
down to the forrest floor,
Spring's flowers die under Autumn's breath

Leaves slowly float...
float, float...
down to the forrest floor,
to lie among the silence of life quieting

Leaves slowly float...
float, float...
down to the forrest floor,
the perfect closing to a solomn ending

All sharp notes
only the black keys play
something about someone so small
playing the heart and soul of "Autumn Spring".

Inspiration from Danica's piano song "Autumn Spring"

Puppet of the world

2005-10-18T17:39:00.000-07:00

The prison of strings
Held her captive
Like a little doll.
She walked along
The barren land
Trying not to fall.
She climbed and climbed
The rocky dune,
The wasteland she despised.
She hated thinking
She was controlled
By some little ties.
They laughed
And tugged at her,
Pulling at her limbs.
They made her cry
She stumbles,
The light around her dims.
She allowed
The devious strings
To pull her to the ground.
As she lies there
In the gravel,
She starts to look around.
She doesn’t need
These dogmatic strings
To help survive
Her barren world.
Then she found
The twisted plot
Began to come uncurled.
Her rages,
Her bondage,
The always too tight ties,
They didn’t help her live her life,
All they told
Were lies.
She watched and helped
The world around
Begin to grow in life.
She began to
Cut her cursed strings
With a jagged knife.
The once beaten girl
Danced in delight.
She no longer
Had to worry about,
Some foolish string’s cruel bite.

for the logical, keep this in mind:

2005-10-18T17:33:00.000-07:00

trust [in the sense of faith] is belief without reason, knowledge is belief with reason, with love you have both—for the heart has reasons that reason does not know.
-K. Verbael

--Hardships--

2005-10-18T13:23:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt as if you’re just looking around yourself, seeing what is offered: seeing the emotions, the thoughts, the hardships, the determination required, and the lack of understanding? Wondering what choices to make because you don’t really know what will cause what, or what will hurt who, or if u will regret such a decision or action. How can we choose blindly? For sometimes it does indeed seem like blindly we choose, when its not blindness, its uncertainty, it’s like when Indiana took that step off the cliff in order to reach the Holy Grail, we don’t know what’ll really happen. We expect to fall, but we won’t know until we take that step.

untitled love

2005-10-18T13:21:00.000-07:00

love's a funny thing... you put yourself on the line, taking a risk at falling in love, when you're really more likely to sink than swim...right now i'm swimming better than ever before. and besides, what would love be with out the risk of drowning?